The myth of the perfect woman

Have you ever felt like there are too many things you have to accomplish and all your daily tasks overwhelm you? Do you sometimes find yourself unable to handle everything you expect to do and end the day feeling guilty? Or do you feel like even the things that used to relax you are now a pressure on your time management?

Well, welcome to the club of self-demanding women. The problem we all share is that we struggle to balance our work, family, personal, social, and other life aspects. We have constructed the myth of the perfect woman.

This myth has told us that we can do everything in the same time and that our value is based on that, forgetting that imperfection is the nature of being human. And no, we don't judge the imperfection of other human beings; we are very empathetic with others, but we don't have that same understanding with ourselves.

MY MIND WON'T STOP TALKING

Your daily life has an endless mental checklist that constantly reminds you of what you need to pay attention to and take care of: personal life, work, studies, children, parents, social life, sports, skincare, healthy eating, etc., etc., etc. The myth implies thinking that all of this is actually possible.

With a suspicion that this affects a large majority. I made a survey on my social networks, asking what was the most voted topic to address for International Women's Day, and unsurprisingly, "Women and self-demand" won.

I believe this result showed me that there are many of us dealing with this struggle. I also reviewed my notes and found that almost all the patients I see in therapy have talked, at least once, about feeling that they are not "enough" in some area of their lives.

ACCORDING TO THE NUMBERS, YOU'RE NOT ALONE...

I've reviewed some research to convince you (and convince myself) that this is a problem that is generating consequences at the level of mental health as a social problem. Here's how:

A study by Dr. Brene Brown and collegues shows that women struggle with three main types of perfectionism:

• Body and self-image

• Care for others

• Motherhood
  

In terms of gender, studies show differences. In corporate work contexts, 33% of women have high perfectionism scores compared to 21% of men. In this same study, self-criticism was evaluated, that little voice inside us that judges us in our minds when we do something that may be disapproved of; it showed that 34% of men have high self-criticism, but women exceeded that, reaching 44% with the same scores.

The authors describe that the cause of this problem is based on the combination of two main influences, both equally overwhelming: social media and competition in the job market. But I am convinced that there is a more powerful and harmful factor that has a lot to do with a characteristic in perfectionist and/or highly self-demanding personalities. To help you understand better, I'll leave you with the classification that some authors have made; read them and see if you fit into one of them:

• Self-oriented perfectionism: high standards we set for ourselves.

• Societal expectations perfectionism: motivated by what we believe society or our social circles expect from us.

• Other-oriented perfectionism: expecting others to behave or be in a certain way based on your standards.
  

Whichever you identify with, or all three, If you have already read at this point in the article, maybe you recognize yourself or know someone who is going through this. And it's even more important for you to recognize how this manifests in your daily life because constant self-demanding brings consequences to our mental health like the following signs:

• Guilt for resting or not being productive.

• Repeated feeling of failure.

• Trouble concentrating.

• Judging your performance.

• Excessive worry about reaching your own or others' expectations.

• Feeling anxiety or sadness for these reasons.

• Procrastination
  

So, this characteristic that before helped you achieve great things, maybe now is blocking your ability to concentrate, be creative, organize, and perform in general.

HOW FAR CAN IT GO?

Now let's explore this problem in a deeper psychological level; OCD (obsessive-compulsive disorder) and eating disorders are related to perfectionism because in both cases, there is an excessive or obsessive concern for reaching high standards.

There are other striking studies that associate perfectionism and interpersonal disgust. Interpersonal disgust consists of the repulsion individuals feel when faced with other people who are undesirable in some way. Interpreting the other side of this concept, high self-demand can bounce back into a feeling of intrapersonal disgust (rejection towards oneself). And in some cases, it can be explained the other way around, meaning rejection of a part of yourself that doesn't perform as you would like can generate behaviors of high perfectionism and self-demand to compensate for that feeling.

SO, WHAT DO WE DO?

Have you ever traveled on low-cost flights and survived with a small suitcase? To achieve that, you had to give up certain things and leave them behind, you prioritized what you really need, and you realized that you survived, and better yet, without so much burden on your shoulders.

That's exactly what you're going to do now. It's time to prove to yourself that you can survive, and nothing will happen if you don't reach all those mental checklists that overwhelm you.

I give you an exercise inspired by a book by psychiatrist Marian Rojas Estape:

Step 1: WRITE down all the facets of your life, your roles, for example: lawyer, daughter, friend, mother, wife, etc.

Step 2: For each facet, write a list of all the activities you have to fulfill in each facet. You'll probably need a lot of paper for this.

Step 3: SELECT. Ask yourself at this point in your life, what is really important? Keep that and delete the rest, you can postpone some things or give them up.

Step 4: DELEGATE, ask for help or work as a team, don't do everything alone.

Step 5: Do this exercise every two or three months. Renew it; you can add tasks that are now more important, but don't forget to take off the weight of others. You have to get through that low cost flight!

¡Have a good trip!